Monday, February 05, 2018

Wings and Beer and One Less


Super Bowl. Great wings, dip, totally junk food dinner. My Son and his Lady joined us. One was missing. My Dad.

The game was never why we got together. We gathered for the company of family and friends.

After the Super Bowl, "This is Us" came on. In this episode, the patriarch dies suddenly. While watching, I was reminded of my Mom's passing 20 years ago. It was sudden. Unexpected. I was at the cafeteria getting coffee when I heard a code blue. Somehow I knew it was my Mom. The elevator was slow. The hall too long. I felt it took hours to reach ICU. In those few minutes, my Mom was gone.

The drawing I did (above) was my memory of the moment. My Dad, his Mom and I were in the ICU waiting room. The Doctor arrived, told us she was gone. Cold and without emotion, he sweep from the room. I remember hearing the snap of his lab coat as he fled

Sudden death is hard. My Dad's has been tougher. Hospice for over a month. Improvements in health, mental clarity, general well being. All the time knowing he was dying.

I was reminded of a quote I shared with a close friend after his Mom's death. "First you lose the cat. Then you lose the kittens. Over and over you lose the kittens."

Tonight I lost two kittens. One for my Dad not being at our Super Bowl gathering. One for my Mom after watching, "This is Us."

Life. Death. Reality.

No guilt. No remorse. Just longing and memories.

Friday, January 26, 2018

And So He Goes

My Dad left this world. January 13, 2018. He celebrated his 85th birthday New Years Eve, 2017.

Long journey, short time. I knew my Dad was declining when he asked me to go grocery shopping.(November 26, 2017) He wanted to go with me however I called and said. "How about we go over your list and I just bring things to you." He accepted.

We talked on the phone, I was browsing the Publix website and adding anything he needed to my list.  I shopped close to my home and headed to my Dad's. When I got there he was in great spirits. I stored the groceries and made him Tilapia in a reduced wine sauce served over grated zucchini. No to low salt and it was amazing. He was getting around the house with the use of a walker and cane. He was in a good mood. I stayed. We talked. As always, needed to go home but was reluctant to leave him.

Sunday. Home health was visiting for the wounds in his leg. Weeping, blisters, edema. This has been a long time battle. The nurse called me but I didn't answer, chose to call my Dad instead. He told me the nurse insisted he go to ER. I told Dad I would be there as soon as I was able. Dad and I both suffered a tummy bug so I was delayed leaving. In route the traffic was horrendous, there was a road block which took me 45 minutes to navigate a re-route. If bad luck is a sign of more to come, my trip to Dad's was it.

When I got there, he told me he had been unable to get out of his recliner. His sweatpants were not up and he asked me to help get them on properly. He was more than embarrassed. I told him I have seen men's underwear often and it was not something I couldn't handle. Regardless, he insisted that before I do anything else, I was to help him pull his pants up. Done.

The previous time I took him to ER, we had a difficult time finding food he could eat. (Low sodium) so I made two sandwiches from the groceries I had delivered the day before. I packed his "Vegas" bag with everything he requested. Then we attempted to get him out of the chair and into my car.

Out of the chair was not easy. We failed four times. I told my Dad, "Either you make this happen or I will need to call an ambulance." He made it happen. Very slowly, with the walker and my grasp, we made our way to the car.

That was the last time my Dad was able to walk. I am happy he held me at that time. Joyous I could help.

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Empathy

Leaving Emory ICU at 1:30am

Do not assume to know my pain. Do not assault me with your directives without understanding my limitations. My feelings, thoughts, and desires are not secrets held within. Never criticize me for allowing my vulnerabilities to surface.

My Dad understands.
You however, do not know me.

Sunday, January 07, 2018

Documenting Death, again...



Today is January 6, 2018. My Dad celebrated his 85th birthday, New years Eve at home, in a bed provided by hospice care. There was cake. He didn't eat any.

My Husband, myself and my dogs have been living at my Dad's (24/7) for 2 weeks. His neighborhood is in transition. Some are renovating, many are for sale. The house next to my Dad's scares me. Odd traffic. Odd hours.

I am worn down from care-giving. Lacking sleep. My hair seems to be falling out. I flip from tears to anger to calm. From what I have read, I am suffering "Care-giver Burnout." It is not pretty. Neither am I. Schlepping around in sweats, skipping showers, pain from attempting to sleep on a bed that doesn't agree with me, homesick...so homesick.

While taking the dogs out yesterday morning, I saw a man emerging from the "Crack" house. He was bent over, shuffling, head down, hoodie up. I thought, "Damn, these people are mucked up."

As I watched him slowly migrate to the road, I thought, "Ya know, he could me me. Caring for a dying parent, so much stress. I look just like him."

I doubt he is caring for anyone but I saw my broken self in that man.

Documenting Death

My Dad has reached his end of days. He fights, denies, wants one more, and one more, and one more day. He tells us (family) "I am one tough Indian."
The ICU Doctor released my Dad for Hospice care, (His house, family as caregivers)  December 2, 2017. I rode in the ambulance on his journey home. It was his first ambulance ride.

Emory Hospital ER - November 28. 2017


Friday, November 10, 2017

My Niece - Becca!

This is my beautiful, talented Niece!

She will be performing at the 16th Annual New Song Music Showcase & Competition, Lincoln Center, NY Nov. 30. So proud!!!

Listen here

Thursday, October 05, 2017

Playing with Food.

Black and blue salad (Arroser lamb) with candied pecans, Israeli couscous, crisp pancetta, sweet peas, red onion and my last homegrown Beefsteak tomato.
Gougeres. French cheese puffs.

This was my first time making Gougeres. I can't really justify spending the cash on Gruyère so I substituted a hard Swiss cheese. The recipe called for a 475 oven. Way too hot so I began at 425. Still too hot. The first batch didn't puff. Reduced to a 425 convection...perfect.

As for the cooking method known as Arroser, or butter basting, this was also a first. I had center cut lamb leg. Added sprigs of fresh rosemary (I seem to grow a lifetime supply) and one garlic bulb halved. Oh and tons of butter. Maybe I was just lucky but the results were quite nice.

Moral of the story is, whatever your interests, push the limit. Great way to learn and in the world of cooking, you get eat the rewards.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Learning to Hate

“People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite... Man's goodness is a flame that can be hidden but never explained.”


Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Typical Girl Gamer


 The Elder Scrolls Online recently released a new DLC, Shadows of the Hist. A big perk of the DLC (for ESO Plus members) is the ability to dye collected costumes. While adventuring in ESO, players earn (or purchase through the Crown Store) costumes. Most, in their generic form, are not so pretty. With Shadows of the Hist, I can "Even dye my eyes to match my gown."

Lovin' this! Call it girl gamer fluff but I can knock down, snare, steal and annihilate all while color coordinated. Now I just need some paint for my bow and blades.


Saturday, April 30, 2016

Tag!!!


Best tag ever. Thank you Dougie!

Ehope is a game name I have used since Morrowind (Offline) Ehope has been my silly pig-tailed avatar through The Sim's Online, Star Wars Galaxies, Star Wars message boards, Lord of the Rings Online...more.

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Ark of Sunder

So I caught up with my guild Sunder on Ark. They picked me up in a flying dinosaur Winnebago with a rooftop garden and a king sized bed!


Greatest Guild ever. Love my Sunder guys.

Tuesday, February 02, 2016

Friday, December 18, 2015

Still Awakened

No spoilers here! Yes, The Force Awakens is amazing. Yes, J.J. nailed it. Love/hate so many unanswered questions. Love, loved that those same unanswered questions made for a lovely, geeky, happy, speculation of the story on the ride with Kyle Pelot back to my car. Heading out for viewing 2 tomorrow. I'll be looking for more clues!


 More after my second viewing.

Sunday, November 09, 2014

'Pider!





This is where my spider lives. Tenacious one. It needs a name since it has lived through 3 months of web removal. I could have squashed it, just chose not to.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Sunder - My Band of Brothers

Honor. Loyalty. Friendship.
And the best darn people I have never met. 

Sunder is my game guild. Basically, a group of people from around the globe that play MMO's together. We use TeamSpeak (Like a vocal chat room) to coordinate quests, organize and simply talk. I have never met any of my Guild. They are still real friends. 

I offer my thanks to Sunder. You have always been there for me, even when I left gaming. Friends are like that. /bow

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Be Nice


I love this. So true! I'm good with a knife. All that whittling 'ya know.

Thanks to The Bloggess.

Sociable